Cerulean Cordillera

Before midnight of New Year’s Day, I finished my first ever annual review. This is something that Chris Guillebeau suggested at The Art of Non-Conformity. It’s basically a document that is both a comprehensive review of the past year and an initial plan of direction for the coming year. In it, I’ve given myself a number of goals to achieve for the year 2011. One of them was to maintain a random thoughts blog throughout the year.

I’ve been thinking about doing something like this.

A few weeks ago, I went through some of my old stuff, and they included the blogs I’ve had back in high school, including my old msn space. Reading some of those old entries made me realize how much I’ve changed over the past few years. Back then, I was immature, embarrassing, and didn’t know about anything, but I was daring, and my mind was free to write down anything I would think of. I was not afraid to freely explore and wander any kind of thought connection, no matter how stupid and juvenile they were, and somewhere within those stupid and juvenile thoughts I could still see beauty, because I was honest.

Now, I come to my blog, and I can’t think of anything to write. My mind has become rigid, and I feel my imagination and creativity waning. I’ve become much too safe with my thoughts, thinking only good, normal, everyday thoughts that anyone could have, being locked in those thoughts. As I look at my old blogs, I feel envious of my former self for being able to have those thoughts, and being able to express them on paper in such a clumsy way and yet so elegantly.

As a person, I used to be much more spontaneous and flexible, I could be incredibly emo at times and yet positive at other times, and I would say that life is worth living because all these rollercoaster ups and downs make things interesting. I wasn’t afraid to do anything, because I didn’t know what it means to be afraid. But now I find only two things that define how I live. The first is to keep myself safe, and the second is to systematically undergo conscious self development. How boring and predictable a life that leads!

I remember blogging used to be a place where I simply release my thoughts and have them pour onto the paper. It used to be a very good release. I was thinking that perhaps it would have some effect on my life if I start doing that again. At the very least, it would break down barriers and allow me to be honest. So I guess from now on, this blog will be a personal blog, a place for me to sometimes rant about everyday problems or talk endlessly about insignificant details. Anything can go here, if I feel like writing and posting.

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